Anybody out there?

 I stumbled back here only to find all but one (HI Granny Annie) of my blog pals have moved on.  I perused their last posts to see what they were up to before the left.  It's sad.  Many felt like true friends yet we all drifted away.

If you are still out there but maybe under a different title let me know.

We've found a house!  It's passed inspection!  We have a closing date!  We're getting closer!

Hurry up and wait

All systems are go.  Well almost.  We have a loan.  We have movers.  We have a real estate agent.  We just need...a house.  It's so very frustrating.  At first glance the timing of this move is perfect.  The kids are in the last month of school, and our lease is up in a month.  However.  Since it's the last month of school dropping everything to go look at homes is not going to happen.  They have school projects, finals and award ceremonies coming up.  I don't want to screw up their grades by jerking them around the country at the last moment.  SO that makes the house search hard.

We had a list of favorites all planned out so that when CCB visits this week he can go check them out but last night we got news that our 2 favorite homes now have contracts on them.  I can't tell you how disappointed I am!  Our 3rd choice was nice but it wasn't my FIRST choice for heavens sake!  So I scour the net some more.  Trying to do my part from hundreds of miles away.  Fingers are crossed and prayers are going up.  EEK!

Coming out of the abyss

Sorry it's been a while since my last post.  Life has a way of taking over. 

I've ditched the meds.  They were good for a while.  I think they did what I needed them to, but then they stopped.  I did not want to increase the dosage.  I did not want to depend on them.  That is what it had come to.  I had started looking forward to bed time so I could take them and dive into deep dreamless sleep.  That is until they stopped working.   Increasing the dosage was something that didn't sit well with me.   So I stopped.  It was rough at first.  Sleep was elusive.  My dreams were disturbing.  I was exhausted.  I came through it though.  My husband is so happy to have OGO back.  He tells me all the time he missed me.   Dropping the meds restored the original OGO back to my family.

Don't get me wrong.  The meds really helped me when I needed it.  The sleep was so restorative and I'm glad to have had it but I think that perhaps it was also keeping me from working through my grief.  I still think of my father daily.  I still shed tears on the regular basis but you know what?   I feel more like my old self.  I know my father wouldn't want me to let grief take me down.  He would want me to be happy and move forward.  I'm trying to, and I think I'm making progress.

Big changes are in store for my family.  A move that we've been hoping for is fast approaching.  We are hoping this will be a good move for the whole family.  A move that will allow us to "be" again.  Be neighbors, friends, and part of a community.  I want roots.  I'm hoping this will allow us to put some down again.  FINGERS CROSSED!

Wishes

It's all happening.  Just the way we'd hoped.  My husband got the transfer he'd been working for.  We have dates and plans now.  Decisions need to be made.  More than anything I want to pick up the phone and call my dad.  I want him to give me his perspective, his ideas, his assurance that it's all going to work out.  He had a way of doing that.  Making anything seem possible.

We were going to be so close to his farm.  That was the plan you know.   To be on his route from his home to his farm.  Then when he retired to the farm we'd be close.  It's turning out like we planned but he isn't here to see it and enjoy it.  I have lived far from "home" most of my adult life.  My children never knew him as well as I wanted them to.  Now they will never get to know him better. 

While making plans and penciling in these dates on my calendar, I see it there.  His name and his birthday in big puffy letters.  He would have been 60 this year.  Just when I think I've got a handle on things, something will smack me upside the head, and I'm a blubbering mess again. It would make my dad crazy.  He didn't like for me to cry.  I try to suck it up but the tears just won't stop.  People tell me someday it won't be so hard.  For now I think of him daily, and hope I'm making him proud.

Slowly

The pills are helping mostly.  The dose the doc started me at was not sufficient to get me to sleep through the night.  It seems 2 pills does the job though.  I go to see the doc again next week.  We'll see what he has to say.  I'm hoping recent revelations will help my sleep.  I found out that my fathers second wife will likely be the sole beneficiary of my fathers estate.  I've feared this would be the case for years.  Their divorce was not finalized.  So she is technically still his wife.  She gets it all.  My dad would be so angry about this.  It's not what he would have wanted at all.  She didn't want to be his wife before he died but now that he's gone she wants makes sure to point out that BY LAW she was still married to him.  *SIGH*

I don't like it but strangely I seem to have found some peace.  There is no reason to fight now.  There is no impending battle to prepare for.  It is what it is.  My brother said she told him she'd make sure they'd get some of it.  Not sure if I'm included in that "THEY" or not.  I'm hoping she will do what's right but I'm not going to get my hopes up.  She has never liked me.  Never treated me as her own.  Why would she now? 

On the upside.  I know my father loved me.  I know he wanted me to be equal with my siblings.  To him we were not "half brothers and sisters".  I couldn't agree more.  My relationships with my siblings remains intact and strong.  I hope she can say the same when all the dust settles.

Rest

So I have been having a terrible time sleeping.  I can get to sleep but I can't stay asleep.  It makes for a very long night.  I tried taking Tylenol PM and Advil PM.  They worked great initially.  I fell into a dreamless sleep and woke up feeling pretty good.  That was until they stopped working.   So then I tried exercising it didn't help.  I tried Yogi Bed time tea..  It relaxed me but then I had to get up 3 times that night to pee!  UGH. 

I had to go to the doctor to get my lab slip for my regular thyroid medication.  I sat there on the verge of tears explaining how I cannot sleep.  My doctor prescribed some meds.  He said it was flexible enough for me to adjust myself.  If one tab makes me feel groggy the next day I can cut it in half.  If it isn't working I can take 2.  I felt like a chump having to ask for help sleeping but the doctor reassured me that I was in a vicious cycle.  Stress can keep me from sleeping and the lack of sleep stresses me out more.  He said my thyroid is probably out of whack as well.  *SIGH  I'm not a pill taker normally.  I hate the idea that I have to rely on something foreign to make me rest but I'm at my wits end.

I picked up my prescription and started to read the information slip inside.  It's not a sleeping pill, it's an antidepressant!  I don't feel like a chump anymore.  I feel like a loser!  I know I shouldn't feel this way but I don't FEEL like I'm depressed.  I felt like I was working through my issues and dealing well with it.  Now I have meds for it.  :(  I'm hoping I can get off them quickly.  I don't like having meds that mess with my head.