C. and I have been friends since elementary school. Our friendship never faltered even when I moved away and when I returned it was like I had never left. Ups and downs we were always there for one another.
After we were both married our husbands jobs took us to different parts of the country. We were in different states but still kept in close contact. Finally after years we were in the same state again and only about an hour away from each other. That's when we should have been as close as ever right? Well that's not exactly how it worked out. I started to feel like the friendship had become draining for me. When we'd talk on the phone all she did was talk about herself, her friends, her neighbors, her new toys, her credit card debt, and what boneheaded thing her husband had done this time. That's about it. We didn't talk about me or my family much at all. I spent most of the conversation saying"uh huh. Yeah." When I tried to offer my opinion or a solution to her queries I was blown off. Do you see what I mean about a drain?
Things had become a little more strained between us do to some nasty little arguments we had over the phone. See all she ever told me about her husband was negative. When that's all you hear that tends to shape your opinion. When I questioned why he wasn't going with her to lend his support when she had to get her D&C she exploded! She told me that my marriage wasn't perfect and that I should cut him a break etc etc. I know she was emotional at the time and I cut her some slack for that. Still things weren't the same between us.
When she got pregnant she was elated! I was happy for her too. I knew she'd be a great mom. The problem was that while she was experiencing the joy of pregnancy I was suffering from my inability to get pregnant again. I wanted to be excited for her but it was a reminder of what I was missing. I tried to be "involved" but the more I tried the more it hurt. So I slowly backed away.
Probably a year after the birth of her child she called me. It had been ages since we had spoken. When all the telephone niceties were over she launched into her list of issues she had with me. How I was supposed to be her best friend and I wasn't there for her when she was pregnant. (That's valid.) And on and on she went. Now in my opinion the telephone isn't a good way to have a conversation like that. I took my lumps and tried to explain why I had done what I had done. I didn't get into my list of grievances I didn't think it was appropriate timing being on the phone and all. It was really weird, even though I could hear her crying on the other end of the phone I really wasn't moved much. For me that is really odd because a stupid cotton commercial can bring ME to tears. At the end of the call she agreed to use her email more to keep in touch with me and I agreed to try to call her more. I sent a few emails with no reply and I haven't talked to her on the phone in probably 2 years. Until today.
She has been on my mind a lot in the last two weeks. I just keep getting this nagging feeling that I needed to talk to her. I felt like maybe I wrote this friendship off to soon. Maybe it was all MY fault. So in the shower this morning I rehearsed my speech about how we should let the past stay in the past and we should move forward. Yadda yadda yadda. I dialed the phone while the butterflies danced in my belly. It rang for ages. Finally I hear her voice. We exchanged pleasantries and I realized she had no clue who I was. (Isn't that sad?) I told her who I was and she responded with an excited "Oh my God!" We had a very lively and animated conversation. You would have thought we were the closest friends ever! Just one problem. All she talked about was herself, her husband, their toys, her family and her friends. Now I DID expect to hear about these things, it has been ages after all. I guess I just expected she would want to know what I had been up to. She never asked. I took advantage of a lull in her conversation to jump in and tell her some of our news. I really don't think she was ever going to ask. She had things going on and needed to cut the call short, she said she had my number on caller id and that she would call me back when she had more time to chat. That was that.
I hung up feeling like I used to after talking to her. Somewhat exasperated and drained. Was I crazy to think we could revive a friendship that had been toes up for a while? Should I keep trying? It just seems like we have taken such different paths, I don't know if they will ever merge again.
Originally this post was for me.(See how I rambled on and on?) The more I think about it I would like to hear your take. Give it to me straight.
6 comments:
There are some times when friendships, no matter how close and good they used to be, need to be cut off. A friendship is supposed to go both ways - you give and receive. You're obviously not receiving anything but a headache from this "friendship" and I think you'd be doing yourself a lot of good if you just let yourself move on. It's not your fault.
I am so sorry. Sometimes people grow and into very different directions. We are not the people we once were. this gal either has no one else to vent to or she vents constantly to everyone who will hear. You never know, your compulsion may have been very necessary even though you don't know it now. Just go with your gut and do what you feel is best.
This story saddened me for you, but i think you were brave to get out there and make another try. I really admire people who take a chance. Think of yourself as having taken the high road, but also having earned the right to be passive with this friend.
Okay, here goes....
She has been & always will be a user. She has always leaned on you when SHE needed help. She has always wanted what you have (see: hitting on me when you introduced us), and jealous that she will never find that! I hate her "fake" dilusional life, I hate her f**king husband, and.....
...never mind, enough said.
if you can continue on with her knowing that things will never change, cuz they won't, then I say yes, continue to pursue the friendship.
Unfortunately I don't think that's what you want. If you feel exhausted and drained after you talk to her then that's just not cool. I have a better idea. I think you should continue being friends with her forever but I think your communication should be through letters. Maybe once every few months just pick up a piece of paper and a pen and jot down a quick note to her telling her what you and your family are up to, what's going on in your life, etc. Maybe even send a few pictures. This way you will get your side out, you'll tell her about you and then ask her to please write back b/c you want to hear all about what she's been up to. Might be a good solution...?
Either way, good luck. Let us know what happens
I wouldn't bother calling her again. She really doesn't sound like a good friend! If she wants to continue the friendship, then she needs to make the next move.
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