Slowly

The pills are helping mostly.  The dose the doc started me at was not sufficient to get me to sleep through the night.  It seems 2 pills does the job though.  I go to see the doc again next week.  We'll see what he has to say.  I'm hoping recent revelations will help my sleep.  I found out that my fathers second wife will likely be the sole beneficiary of my fathers estate.  I've feared this would be the case for years.  Their divorce was not finalized.  So she is technically still his wife.  She gets it all.  My dad would be so angry about this.  It's not what he would have wanted at all.  She didn't want to be his wife before he died but now that he's gone she wants makes sure to point out that BY LAW she was still married to him.  *SIGH*

I don't like it but strangely I seem to have found some peace.  There is no reason to fight now.  There is no impending battle to prepare for.  It is what it is.  My brother said she told him she'd make sure they'd get some of it.  Not sure if I'm included in that "THEY" or not.  I'm hoping she will do what's right but I'm not going to get my hopes up.  She has never liked me.  Never treated me as her own.  Why would she now? 

On the upside.  I know my father loved me.  I know he wanted me to be equal with my siblings.  To him we were not "half brothers and sisters".  I couldn't agree more.  My relationships with my siblings remains intact and strong.  I hope she can say the same when all the dust settles.

Rest

So I have been having a terrible time sleeping.  I can get to sleep but I can't stay asleep.  It makes for a very long night.  I tried taking Tylenol PM and Advil PM.  They worked great initially.  I fell into a dreamless sleep and woke up feeling pretty good.  That was until they stopped working.   So then I tried exercising it didn't help.  I tried Yogi Bed time tea..  It relaxed me but then I had to get up 3 times that night to pee!  UGH. 

I had to go to the doctor to get my lab slip for my regular thyroid medication.  I sat there on the verge of tears explaining how I cannot sleep.  My doctor prescribed some meds.  He said it was flexible enough for me to adjust myself.  If one tab makes me feel groggy the next day I can cut it in half.  If it isn't working I can take 2.  I felt like a chump having to ask for help sleeping but the doctor reassured me that I was in a vicious cycle.  Stress can keep me from sleeping and the lack of sleep stresses me out more.  He said my thyroid is probably out of whack as well.  *SIGH  I'm not a pill taker normally.  I hate the idea that I have to rely on something foreign to make me rest but I'm at my wits end.

I picked up my prescription and started to read the information slip inside.  It's not a sleeping pill, it's an antidepressant!  I don't feel like a chump anymore.  I feel like a loser!  I know I shouldn't feel this way but I don't FEEL like I'm depressed.  I felt like I was working through my issues and dealing well with it.  Now I have meds for it.  :(  I'm hoping I can get off them quickly.  I don't like having meds that mess with my head. 

My life with the mob

Sleep has been so elusive.  I wake up every little while, look over at the clock and cringe.  The Tylenol PM and Advil PM were  helpful at first.  They don't work anymore.  It makes for a very long night.  Last night I kept dreaming the same dream with different characters.  At first we were being chased by mobsters.  I think I was somehow involved with a rival group we kept moving from hotel to hotel to avoid being killed by our enemies.  My husbands drove our car in high speed chases and evasive his maneuvers kept us unharmed. I WOKE UP.  Later the dream was different, now I was with my brother and a child I didn't recognize.  We were hunkered down in a hotel and I was keeping watch when I saw the car load of mobsters, dressed in fuchsia hats and long jackets, pull up and pour out of a car with their Tommy guns at the ready.  I waited till they were out of site and ushered my brother and this child out of the room, down to the car and we sped away.  Then I WOKE UP again. 

It's not a good start to the day when you wake up and start planning a nap.

Bound by love

Writing about my dad's death is helping.  It's a place to release some of the confusion and  turmoil in my head.  I'm glad Blogger didn't delete my account.  :)

Last night I had a lovely conversation with the woman who sat by my dad's bedside while he was hospitalized.  We spoken over the phone before but finally met at his funeral.  This loss has bound us together.  Together we can share the grief and comfort one another.  It's an interesting place to find myself in.  My father had thrust us upon each other when I was asking about his meeting with the doctor.  He couldn't remember what the doctor had called his condition and needed her to repeat it to me.   I found her easy to talk to and very concerned and involved in my dad's care.  She was a lifeline to him when he was too sick to talk or when he was having surgery.  She kept me in the loop when he was sick, and I kept her in the loop when he died.  I find that I have shared more with her in the short time we've known each other than I would have ever imagined.

Last night she lifted my spirits by telling me he had spoken of me often and that he was indeed proud of the woman I had become.  I needed to hear that. 

Ebb and flow

We're back from burying my fathers ashes.  Instead of the heart wrenching sobs I was filled with silent tears and the realization that this is now so final.  Once again we were surrounded by those that loved him too.  (I'm not angry with these people.  They lived too far away to visit my dad in the hospital.) I had lots of hugs from those that I barely know.  Yet standing on the hill that will be my fathers final resting place I felt alone.    People talked of how he would love this place, near his father's grave, out in the country.  I didn't feel that way.  I felt like it was a cold place, lonely and silent.  Far from the bustling world.   A far cry from the kind of guy my dad was in life.

When my grandmother died I felt terrible pain.  My fathers death is different.  The pain is more intense.  I feel changed.  I can't quite put my finger on it but I am no longer the OGO I was before.  I often feel lost, I have trouble making decisions and I'm having trouble remembering things.  Thoughts of him invade my mind all day and all night.   I'm told it's part of my grief.  I hope it is because if it isn't I'm losing my mind.

Now we move on to divvying up my dad's worldly goods.  It makes me so uncomfortable.  He was so much more than the sum of his assets and yet that's what we've come to now.  I am trying to look at it as his last effort to take care of his children.  As if the situation wasn't icky enough I have to deal with his would be ex-wife.  Our relationship before this was strained and so far communication has been minimal.  This isn't helping. I'd like this step to get over with quickly so I never have to deal with her again.

The anger is slowly receding.  It's not gone but it isn't raging anymore.  Time marches on.

Ripping off the scab.

Just when I'm slipping into the regular routine.  It's time to put my father in his final resting place.  He didn't want to be buried in the place he died.  So we are putting him to rest where he wanted this weekend.  I'm afraid it's going to rip me up again but I HAVE to be there.  I would never forgive myself if I didn't go.  So it's a road trip for my family this weekend.  I hope your plans are more fun.

Back to the grind.

Today is the kids first day back to school.  The house is very quiet.  It should be a good day to do some baking.  My boy wanted bread with his dinner the other night but I had NONE in my freezer.  Tonight is spaghetti and meatballs so I think some garlic bread may be in order. 

Not spewing venom today.  It's a kinder gentler OGO.