Thursday, April 05, 2012


It's all happening.  Just the way we'd hoped.  My husband got the transfer he'd been working for.  We have dates and plans now.  Decisions need to be made.  More than anything I want to pick up the phone and call my dad.  I want him to give me his perspective, his ideas, his assurance that it's all going to work out.  He had a way of doing that.  Making anything seem possible.

We were going to be so close to his farm.  That was the plan you know.   To be on his route from his home to his farm.  Then when he retired to the farm we'd be close.  It's turning out like we planned but he isn't here to see it and enjoy it.  I have lived far from "home" most of my adult life.  My children never knew him as well as I wanted them to.  Now they will never get to know him better. 

While making plans and penciling in these dates on my calendar, I see it there.  His name and his birthday in big puffy letters.  He would have been 60 this year.  Just when I think I've got a handle on things, something will smack me upside the head, and I'm a blubbering mess again. It would make my dad crazy.  He didn't like for me to cry.  I try to suck it up but the tears just won't stop.  People tell me someday it won't be so hard.  For now I think of him daily, and hope I'm making him proud.


The Funky Bee said...

Uggh OGO, I'm so sorry. I wish you could know that things will get easier but how could anyone tell you that. You just have to be strong for yourself and for your family and don't apologize for thinking of your father every day. I know that if I were in the same boat I would have a hard time not thinking of my loved one every day as well and I bet he's happy that you do think of him often. And I can assure you that your father is proud of you. You are an amazing mom and wife and you are such a kind, caring person. I'm sorry that you're so sad right now.

Lorna said...

You know I can't believe your kids won't know your dad---he is such a part of who you are and how you think. His being fresh in your mind will be something that becomes the way your kids think about you and consequently about him.

There's not a day passes that I don't think about and talk about my parents and my kids and grandkids know their Nanny and Papa as well as could be hoped.

I'm aching for you though.

Oh great One said...

Thank you Funky Bee. Your words are kind.

Lorna, I hadn't looked at it that way. It may not be the hands on memories that I want but you are right, they will get a sense of him. Thanks for pointing that out. :)