I've been feeling a little emotional the last few days. I thought it would just come and go. It seems to be holding on. I've felt the need to be close to CCB as much as possible. It's kinda weird, but it is what it is. This time last year I was gearing up for my D&C. I was aware that this anniversary was coming but I didn't think it would have this sort of affect on me.
I wasn't exactly excited to find out I was pregnant. I was "done" makin' babies. Imagine my surprise when that nausea didn't subside and I realized I wasn't sick but pregnant! I flipped out. I guess it might be called depression but all I did was cry. Literally, I laid in bed and cried all day. This wasn't my plan. It was going to turn our world upside down. It isn't what I wanted at all. I drug my sweet CCB through hell. Bless his heart though, he hung in there. He seemed to know that if he just kept me talking I would find my way out of that dark pit, and I did.
I started to come around to the idea of another child in our family. I was in full preparation mode. I had given away all our baby gear. I would need to replace that. We needed a bigger car, 2 car seats and a 10 year old weren't going to fit in the back of my Corolla. I had accepted the idea of a larger family. CCB was elated. He hadn't wanted any more children either but to say he was delighted was an understatement. He was in such a pickle between his own feelings and my "crazy OGO" phase. He was amazing. I have more respect and admiration for that man then I could ever express.
Then it happened. Just when we were all on the bandwagon, I lost the baby. You'd think I would be relieved since I wasn't excited in the first place. It was the opposite. I was broken. I felt like it was all my fault. If I had just welcomed this baby from the start instead of freaking out things would have been different. My head told me that it was for the best, that there must have been something wrong with our baby for this to happen and that it wasn't me, but that's not what I felt. It takes time to get to that place of understanding. If I had only done something different......
Anyway. Here we are the anniversary of my miscarriage. Hind sight is 20/20 right? I have learned lessons about myself and seen good come from just about every bad thing we've gone through. My first miscarriage alerted us as to some medical problems I had that had gone un diagnosed. It enabled me to comfort others who were going through the same trials I had. This one is no different. I have a deeper compassion for women with unexpected pregnancies. I see how women might do crazy things. Without my husband I might have been one of them. I have learned just how much CCB loves me, he put up with some heavy stuff he forced me to communicate amd we came out stronger than ever. I've learned that even though I try to be an upbeat and positive person I am not immune to depression.
My heart is pounding like crazy at the thought of posting this. I haven't shared anything about my "crazy period", and honestly I don't think I could share all of the details. I guess I've been afraid of judgment. Afraid it might change what you thought of me. I can't change it. It's part of who I am now. I think this post was more for me than for anyone else but I will still leave comments open even through the fear of criticism.
Tell those you love, that you do.
11 comments:
I am so sorry OGO...I didn't even know that this had happened.
I understand about your "crazy" period. I've been in similar shoes. And so, from me there is no judgement. You are still the same wonderful person you have always been, just a little stronger than before.
Oh, and by the way......me and Grover?.......Well...we love you, I hope you know that.
Ahem......carry on.
OGO, you and CCB have been through some majorly heavy things in the last two years or so and the fact that the two of you came out stronger and still feel like you've learned some lessons from it all is amazing. I am very proud of you.
You can never "blame" yourself for what happened. No matter how you look at it, the results were the right thing. It has nothing to do with you, it's nature and it's nature's way of telling you and your body that things aren't right. You just have to be thankful for that. Be thankful for the wonderful children and the loving husband that you have and know that you deserve every bit of it. Together you all can get through anything.
Now I'm going to tell my husband that I love him ;O)
I can't imagine going thru what you and CCB went thru and honestly if you hadn't gone thru some crazy period I would be worried about you. I don't know you very well but what I do know about you impresses me very much. You are two amazing people and I feel lucky to know you even just a little bit.
I love your attitude, how positive it is, how you find the good.
Best to you and your lovely family
Thank you for sharing this. My pregnancy was unexpected and I had moments when I did more than crazy things. Thank God for our wonderfully strong loving men in our lives.
Hugs to you.
*hugs* OGO. I've never been in your shoes, but my sister had a miscarriage and she's told me a bit about it. It seems like it's one of the hardest things she's gone through.
I am so sorry that you have to go through this.
A friend of mine had a very similar situation. Two kids, no more baby gear and then preggo. The baby was stillborn at 24 weeks.
She went in to such a funk even though she hadn't wanted anymore that she ended up having two more after.
Just know you aren't alone. What a great husband you have too.
I can't believe it's been a year already. It was a very sad time and you had every right to go crazy about it. I'd have reacted the same way. You did nothing wrong.
Holy crap. I had no idea.
Geez. God bless you and CaCaBoy.
Sorry, OGO. I hope the sense of loss mitigates with time.
My thoughts are with you in this time of sadness.
Seems to me that what you're calling the "crazy stuff" is just NORMAL for that situation! What you and CCB have gone through is an incredibly trying time, you're not supposed to just "just get over it." I can't imagine how hard all of that must have been for you, and even reading all of this makes me think you've handled it as best as possible.
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