Emotional Potpourri

One thing I noticed this weekend is when I felt something, I FELT it. It seems like everything was more intense.

Gratitude- To my neighbor for keeping my kids. She is the only person outside of my family to ever keep them. It isn't something I take lightly. To the hospital and it's staff. I have never had such an experience at a hospital. Usually you run into that ONE nurse who is crabby or all about business. Or you feel like they are too swamped to take any time with you. I didn't feel like that at all. From the ladies at the admissions desk to the nurses and anesthesiologist to the person who wheeled me back to my car. The all treated me with kindness, compassion and care. I felt as if they were only there to take care of me. It was everything I needed and more.

Surprise- At who took the time to send condolences. I was surprised at who called to check in on me and who didn't.

Revelation- At the realization that my body was MY body again. I could eat what I want and drink what I want without fear of getting sick. I haven't tossed my cookies since Thursday!

Fear- We ventured out to get some groceries on Saturday. While we were there they had a "code Adam" for a two year old boy. I started to get all weepy. I knew how I'd feel if my 2 year old was missing in a big store like that. I couldn't relax until they paged that he'd been found.

Pity- (For myself) Did I mention to you all that my sister turned up pregnant about the same time I did? Yeah, I'll get to see all the stages my baby would have reached just by looking at my nephew or niece. A constant reminder of how old my baby would be. Nobody's fault. Just the way it worked out.

Joy- As I looked at my son, who in wide eyed awe experienced is first movie in a movie theater. He was nearly motionless for the first half of the movie. Sitting in that dark theater I shed tears over the fact that we were all there together.

Sadness- Over the realization that the pregnancy is done. No more. I won't see the look on that child's face at the theater. I won't feel their hugs or kisses. Melancholy.

Love- So much I thought my heart would burst. I was so extremely blessed to find my husband. He has displayed his steadfast love for me everyday through this whole ordeal. He lets me be me and stays anyway. I adore him.

It's been a smorgasbord of feelings for me. I feel like I jump from one to another without much notice in between. Is this my way of coping? I don't know. At least I can see that I'm not dead inside like I feared. Oh, I forgot one other feeling I experienced. Optimism- Things are gonna be ok. We have weathered the storm and we're coming out on the other side.

Thanks for sticking this out with me.