This is a bit of a rambling post. I'm listening to your comments and I decided to just let it fly. I'll have to trust that you will understand. I just let it go and didn't pay much attention to how it flowed. I hope it isn't to hard to decipher.
Today is the day I go in for the pre-op stuff. I'm not sure whether I did myself a disservice or not by looking up the procedure online. I'm the kinda person who likes to be informed. Just the searches alone were disheartening. By the time I got the name of the procedure right I had discovered that it's the same basic thing as an abortion. That was like a sock in the gut.
It should be a quick ordeal but going through the steps of the procedure made me squirm.
I feel pretty numb. That in itself has really alarmed me. I feel like I'm all business. I feel like I need to make sure everyone around me is ok. From my children to my husband and even the grandmas. During a conversation with my husband the other night he started to get a little emotional. I......Well......I didn't. I asked him if he thought I was dead inside. I just feel like I have a task at hand. I need to get it accomplished so that everyone can start to heal. CCB says it's just like me to put everyone's needs before my own but still I wonder. The only time I have truly cried yet, is when the gravity of how much my husband was hurting hit me. The heartbreak in his eyes can shred me. Yet the reality of the situation does nothing. I must be broken or something. CCB says he's preparing for my meltdown. He thinks that when the procedure is done and my "holding pattern" has ended that's when I will let my guard down.
Maybe he's right. For me nothing has changed. Whether or not this baby is alive or dead I'm still carrying it. I still feel sick. I would be lying if I said that I didn't question whether they were right or not. I mean why would I still have nausea? Maybe I'm just in denial. Maybe I'm overanalyzing myself. Maybe I should just let it go. The thing I can't seem to let go is the timing. According to the ultrasound my baby died at 7 weeks. According to the dates I gave the doctor I was 8 weeks at our first appt. According to her exam she thought I was further along. Which would put back the miscarriage even farther. Why is this important? Because I had some sort of mental freak out when I found out I was pregnant. The dates are a way I can prove to myself that I didn't cause this. The dates give me solace. I know in my head that I didn't cause this but in my heart...Well....That's another thing. Guilt is the one thing I CAN feel these days. CCB won't let me entertain ideas of guilt out loud but it doesn't stop them from ringing in my head. The dates clear that up. I have to believe the dates.
10 comments:
I agree with your hubby. I think that once the weekend comes, you'll be able to let go. And I'll continue to keep you in my prayers.
I hope you are able to let go and feel supported by your family and friends.
I know how you're feeling, and the procedure in itself isn't that bad as these things go - the emotional side is a 100 times worse. When they use these cold medical terms it hurts, but they're only doing their job.
I figured with hindsight having the procedure was much better than having to see the baby come away. My friend had 2 miscarriages - one came naturally and one D&C and she swears if it happens again she's having the D&C.
I understand you're looking after everyone else, that's exactly how I felt. It's a grieving process and nobody can tell you the right way to go about it, and everybody has their own time frame which is perfectly normal. Eight years on I still remember my miscarriage every day, but I now remember it with joy that it was a life that was with me for a short precious time.
It's totally normal to feel guilty and only time I'm afraid will take away the guilt. I'll say what CCB and everybody else has, it's not your fault and mostly these things have no identifiable cause.
Once again, if you want to talk email me at happysurveyor at yahoo dot co dot uk. Love to you and your family xx
My dear dear sister,
If anything, this has showed me how NOT dead I am inside. It's stirred emtotions that I thought had died many years ago. My heart is alive and kicking. Isn't it just like a tragedy to open your eyes to your true self?
That is all.
I love you.
Wishing you only the best..
The thing about guilt is that nobody except yourself can tell you to let it go. right or wrong, logical or not, proven or not, it's a bitch. I hope you can get there sooner rather than later. Be well.
I believe without a final event ending this ordeal, you will continue to have this "holding pattern". I've seen the hurt in your eyes too. So quit the "dead inside" crap! You are, I think, a little in shock. It all seems so surreal.
I love you!
Each individual handles stress in their own unique way. There is no right or wrong. Everyone has their own internal timetable. You can't should have done anything. Nature is not perfect. Often pregnancies start and end without any discernable reason. Some times you don't even know it. Some times it is just a period that starts a few days late. It is very sad what is happening right now. The most important thing is that you get well.
Prayers coming your way! Stay strong! Let go, and let God take over!
OGO - you didn't DO this, unfortunately you don't have that much power. And as horrible as it is, as unfair and shitty as this is, and as much as you probbaly don't want to hear this, it is truly your body and god's way of telling you that something was not right. This is the natural, healthy way for your body to expell something that would only hurt you or even the baby or the baby's chances of living outside of your womb.
I know you know all of this stuff and it doesn't make it any easier but you can't blame yourself. Just think, now you have a guardian angel looking over you all the time. good luck OGO. It will get easier, I'm sure of it!
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