It's coming. I can feel it bubbling up. I can suppress it for a while but it's only a matter of time before it can't be controlled.
Last night it reared it's ugly head. After dinner my daughter was relating a story from her day. As she reached the climactic ending her voice got louder and louder. Then it happened. This scream spewed forth from my mouth like violent vomit. Somewhere in the scream were the words "your getting too loud". I wanted to take it back as soon as it happened. I was able to laugh it off well enough that my children thought I was playing with them. CCB knew though. I could see it in his eyes as he watched me. He knew I wasn't playing. He knew that I was on edge.
Before I go any further please know that I am not searching for pity. I am not complaining about my place in life. I KNOW that I'm blessed to be able to stay at home with my children. I wouldn't have it any other way. I KNOW that I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband with a great job. On the flip side I have plenty o'guilt too. All that being said, (I borrowed that little nugget from reality t.v.) CCB has to work longer hours at this time of the year. It's the nature of his business. I know that and accept it. It makes for some pretty long days on the home front too though. I can't remember the last time I had time to myself for more than a cup of coffee or a shower. I need some "me" time. I used to scoff at that term when my sister in law used it. Now I'm finding that it's not so selfish. The problem is that with CCB working longer days I feel like I'm missing out if I'm not here when he is. It's a balancing act. I'm on edge. I'm antsy. I feel like I'm gonna blow and not in the good way. It won't take a lot. Just a couple of hours would do. Then I can return to my fabulous June Cleaver persona. (that's sarcasm people!) Maybe a trip around the bookstore. Browsing the big people books. Maybe a newspaper and a cup of coffee at the coffee shop. I don't know. I just need to "be" for a little while. Just a little while.
Last night it reared it's ugly head. After dinner my daughter was relating a story from her day. As she reached the climactic ending her voice got louder and louder. Then it happened. This scream spewed forth from my mouth like violent vomit. Somewhere in the scream were the words "your getting too loud". I wanted to take it back as soon as it happened. I was able to laugh it off well enough that my children thought I was playing with them. CCB knew though. I could see it in his eyes as he watched me. He knew I wasn't playing. He knew that I was on edge.
Before I go any further please know that I am not searching for pity. I am not complaining about my place in life. I KNOW that I'm blessed to be able to stay at home with my children. I wouldn't have it any other way. I KNOW that I'm blessed to have a wonderful husband with a great job. On the flip side I have plenty o'guilt too. All that being said, (I borrowed that little nugget from reality t.v.) CCB has to work longer hours at this time of the year. It's the nature of his business. I know that and accept it. It makes for some pretty long days on the home front too though. I can't remember the last time I had time to myself for more than a cup of coffee or a shower. I need some "me" time. I used to scoff at that term when my sister in law used it. Now I'm finding that it's not so selfish. The problem is that with CCB working longer days I feel like I'm missing out if I'm not here when he is. It's a balancing act. I'm on edge. I'm antsy. I feel like I'm gonna blow and not in the good way. It won't take a lot. Just a couple of hours would do. Then I can return to my fabulous June Cleaver persona. (that's sarcasm people!) Maybe a trip around the bookstore. Browsing the big people books. Maybe a newspaper and a cup of coffee at the coffee shop. I don't know. I just need to "be" for a little while. Just a little while.
8 comments:
You need a babysitter, hon. And maybe some adult time.
Okay I know that sounds simplistic and stupid, and maybe it is. I'm dealing with a lot of bullshit lately, too, and I'm feeling like I'm going to literally explode, and bits and pieces of me are going to fly all over the room, creating quite a mess. And I hate it, HATE IT, when people are all, "Oh this is all you have to do, blah blah blah." It makes me feel as though my problem doesn't matter, like it's not a big deal, why am I wasting my time? Maybe you don't feel that way, maybe you do. I don't know. But if you do, and you feel my comment was simplistic and belittled your anger/feelings (like I would feel if I were you) then I'm sorry.
My point is this: I am not far from you, you know that, and so therefore it's easy for me to say I'm here for you. Literally! Here. For you. You have my email and phone number, call me to get together if you want. Even if you bring your kids and we do something different. Hell we can do something in a kid-place and let them run free. It's up to you, but I'm up for it if you are.
Bekah- I don't feel belittled. It's exactly what I need. I would love to get together with you. I don't have much in the way of friends around here it would be great.
You need to find someone that you trust that you can have to help watch your kids when you need a time out. I think I would take bekah up on her offer to help....Moms need time to regroup and just have some time to themselves.....Your kids will do fine while you are gone.....TF and I would take a weekend away (from the kids) and just spend quality time together.... The kids liked the break from us and we enjoyed each others company. A "date" night at least twice a month would be a nice treat too.... When CCB gets past his busy time, at work, the two of you can take a weekend away.
Now, take a deep breath and call bekah.
Guess you can tell from your friendly comments that a lot of us have been there and want to help you. Believe it or not, "this too shall pass" and someday you will look back and laugh. The best part is hearing your grown children tell their memories of your craziness. You think you are traumatizing them and you're actually entertaining them.
Take Bekah up on her offer...sounds like peace to me.
Also, I'd recommend yoga at a gym with kidcare...it helps you BREATHE.
You're not going mad - everyone has their breaking point and every mum understands how you're feeling, and that is why I know I can't do what you do and have nothing but admiration for what you do.
You're not just mummy, you're you. You have needs as well as the children. Quite often I lie in bed knitting until 3am when Ben and Zoe are asleep because that's when I'm Ann and not mummy, it's my secret bit of me time (and I hate that phrase too). I'll try to get on IM more next week so at least we can both talk online about something other than diapers and kid stuff, I need the break as well!
That"s why I was a better mom when I worked than when I didn't---everybody's different, and different things work for different people. I keep taking my grnadchildren overnight so my daughter can go out iwth her husband, but they just go to bed early...whatever works.
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